Change of Plans

Isn't it funny how sometimes when you put words to something you're thinking about, the answer will suddenly present itself?  That's what happened last week after I wrote my post about simplifying my life.  I'd been stressing about work.  One of the biggest things I had on my plate was my site relaunch, which I had been planning on doing at the beginning of July.  As I was getting ready for bed that night, it occurred to me that this was largely a self-imposed deadline.  July was the earliest that I could relaunch my site, so that's when I had planned to do it.  But it didn't even really make sense to do it then.

I decided right then that I needed to push back my relaunch to the end of August.  My plans had been made out of impatience rather than strategic planning.  I immediately felt much more relaxed.

The day after I posted about simplifying, Jess of Makeunder My Life posted a list of things that she is going to cut to relieve some of her stress.  I thought this was an awesome idea, and made my own list of things that I am not going to worry about:

• Relaunch in July. It just makes more sense to do it at the end of August, and patience is a virtue.
• Swap ads in July. One of my first thoughts after deciding to delay my relaunch was "that means that I need to find swappers in July!" The stress came back almost immediately. The thing is, I don't need to. So I'm not.
• Reply to every comment. This one is hardest for me, because some of my best blogger interactions have been through email, so I really want to reply to each and every comment.  But what happens is I let comments sit in my inbox and I stress over things to say in response. The thing is, some comments just don't require a response. So I'm letting myself off the hook. If I get too behind, I'm giving myself permission to archive all those emails, and start from scratch if I have to.

There's still a lot that I need to do even without worrying about these things, but I definitely feel like my workload is more manageable.

On a lighter note, how was your weekend?  With a wedding on Saturday and Father's Day on Sunday, mine was fun but a little crazy.  I got to hang with my dad yesterday, which is always fun (I may or may not have been in a food coma, but I think he was cool with it.)  Happy Father's Day, Dad!  And today is my parents' anniversary, so Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad!  I love you guys!

Simplify

Yesterday I looked at all the posts on my home page and realized that almost every post was either about a guest post, a sponsor feature, or was either coming off of or looking forward to the weekend.  That's crazy!  There's really only one explanation for it: I've totally over committed myself.  And not just last week, like for a few months.

The thing is, I've been going a mile a minute since February.  I've been trying to build my business and whatnot, and when we were in Lexington, Brian was studying for finals and it was fine.  I got by.  But ever since we moved back, I haven't been spending as much time on work, but I've been stressing more because I'm committed to the same amount of things, but don't have as much time to complete them as I did before.

So the last few weeks or so I've been really trying to simplify.  I took a long hard look at my commitments, and tried to figure out what I could cut.  One of the things that I decided just wasn't fitting into my schedule was writing for LA Family.  I loved writing those articles and interacting with the other writers, but at the end of the day it was just another thing on my to-do list.  I still have a long way to go, but I'm trying to be more aware of the choices I make and how I spend my time.

Have you had to simplify lately? I'd love to hear how you did it!

babbling and a picture of bread

Is it cool if I throw a picture of bread at you guys and just start rambling at you?  You'll still love me, right?  That's what I thought.  You guys are sweet like that.

I keep thinking about all those Things I'm Afraid to Tell You posts.  I didn't write one myself partly because I didn't really have time and nothing specific came to mind.  As I was paying the bills today and stressing over my student loans and bank account today, I came up with one.  I worry about money all the time.  Well, scratch that.  Sometimes I go a few days without thinking about it, but then when I realize that I haven't been thinking about it I feel guilty and worry more than I would have.

The thing is that regardless of how much money we have, putting my energy into worrying about it doesn't really do me any good.  I know this.  But it doesn't stop me from feeling like I don't make enough money and like maybe I should be pursuing something that would bring in the big bucks.  Or just bigger bucks.

Do you have something that you're always worrying about?  Tell me about it while I go cut myself another of slice cinnamon swirl bread.  It's that kind of day.

a favor

Guys, I need a favor.  I've been given the opportunity to write for LA Family Magazine for a Life After College feature that just started this week! I'm SO excited and it's been a really cool experience so far.  I think there isn't enough talk about what people my {our} age are going through right now.  It can be rough, and we need to talk about it.

Here's the thing: right now each columnist is doing two articles, but after that there's no guarantees.  In order to keep doing this, I have to help spread the word about my article.  Can you guys help me out?

If you could go to the article and comment, like it, share it on Facebook, tweet it... or spread the word whatever way your heart desires, I would so appreciate it!  And guess what?  If you check it out you get to see me do a VLOG at the bottom of the article!  Try not to laugh too much.

P.S. If you're coming here from LA Family, welcome!  Check out my about page to learn more and see some of my favorite posts.

it's official: I'm losing it

Over the last few weeks I've had at least two moments where I've realized something embarrassing IN MY SLEEP.  I've had plenty of dreams where I felt embarrassed, but these were things that I basically realized were true either while falling asleep or dreaming.  Imagine that you woke up from that dream where you went to school naked and realized that IT HAPPENED.  Not cool.

1.  I recently joined LinkedIn.  I had no idea how it worked.  It's "people you know" thing kinda puts Facebook to shame- it feels like everyone I've ever known OR emailed (so real life and blog friends) pops up.  So I was clicking around looking at people, but not "connecting" with anyone because I don't know who the heck I'm supposed connect with (Colleagues would be a no-brainer, so let's assume I don't have any of those. Friends? Classmates? Any insight would be helpful here.)  Eventually I started seeing this little place where it would tell me people who had looked at my profile.  I didn't really think anything of it.

THEN I had this dream where the people I looked at could tell I looked at their profile but didn't connect with them, and were therefore offended.  And I couldn't really blame them, because I kinda feel like that's awkward.

THEN I realized that THIS IS REAL.  When I woke up I put two and two together that if I could see who was looking at me, then others could see that I was looking at them.  Is it just me, or does this seem weird for a social networking site?  Imagine if Facebook did that.  The world would be an entirely different place, my friends.

2.  This one hurts more.  I don't really know how to tell it in a compelling way, so I'll just come out with it: for some reason this year I thought March was six months from November.  It's totally not.  It's four or eight months from November, depending on which side you're coming from.  This wouldn't be that big of a deal except that there were multiple occasions in March that I commented, to others, about this relationship.  Like "oh, the election will be over in six months" or "oh, my business launched six months ago."  Yeah, really, I did that.  I've been scared to look at old posts where I know I touched on that just because I don't think I can handle the shame.

This all just kind of came to me as I was falling asleep.  And I had lots of time to dwell on it that night, because realizing that you're an idiot isn't exactly "Rock-a-bye Baby", if you know what I mean.  These are the things that keep me up at night, people.  Literally.

So what can we conclude from these sad tales?

Please tell me about all the embarrassing things you've done lately.  Please.  And speaking of embarrassing, this post killed me.  SO FUNNY.

P.S.  To top it all off, I came up with the idea for this blog post while falling asleep, and then subsequently wrote most of it around 5:00 AM in a fit of insomnia that same night.  Way to go, Kate.

unplugging and thinking about change

Last week I came upon this video.  First I saw Joelle tweet about it, and then I saw it again on Tiny Twig.  I watched it and I haven't been able to stop thinking about it.  I'm definitely an introvert and although I'm not sure I totally agree with her definition of an introvert, this video totally resonated with me.



I also thought it was especially perfect timing, because all last week I've been wanting to write something, but I couldn't figure out how to put it.  You see, last weekend I spent a lot of time in the car by myself.  Over the last couple of months, I've noticed a pattern.  I come up with really good ideas any time I drive by myself.  I just thought it was kind of funny at first, but this video made me realize that driving is my "going into the wilderness."  I'm unplugged, and I'm by myself, for a few hours.  This is really the only occasion that I can think of where these quiet circumstances fall in to place at this point in my life.  I need to figure out a way to unplug more often.

The video didn't really solve my problem though, because what I want to do is tell you about my ideas and that change is coming some time over the next couple of months.  This three blogs thing was not sustainable forever, and really happened as a result of poor planning on my part.  Don't worry, none of this is going away, I'm just going to try to figure out how to tweak it so that it can all come together cohesively.  So that I don't have to divide myself up so much.  Does that make sense?  I hope so.  I'm not ready to share my plans just yet, so I hope you'll stick around and see what's coming, because I think it has a lot of potential.  Sorry to be so vague!

Are you an introvert?  When do you come up with your best ideas?

the almost-spring-but-not-quite blues

Sometimes I really struggle with what to say on here.  All over the blogosphere people are always talking about "authenticity" and how you should "blog from the heart" or whatever... but no one likes a whiny blogger.  Right now I'm in this funk where I have trouble coming up with something to say.  I've been trying to just blog about basic things that everyone can relate to (like yesterday, you guys totally blew me away with your cool comments!) but even then sometimes I feel like I have nothing worthwhile to blog about.

So let me just throw this out there: I've been feeling really blah this week.  I feel whiny and distracted and unproductive.  I'm itching for spring and SUNSHINE and actually exercising and finding some balance.  I want to say that I need a break, but I took a break from the computer this weekend and things weren't really better when I got back.  I'm not really sure what the solution is other than trudging along.

I truly believe that sometimes you can choose to be happy, so I feel lame for getting in these funks.  And I have a lot to be happy about.  So here's what I'd like to know friends: what do you do to shake the winter blues?  Besides chocolate and telling yourself that spring is right around the corner?

I forgot to include these links in my post yesterday!  So you should really check out this interview on Curious Damsel, as well as this sweet post on Paint Speckled Pawprints, and leave them some love!

on dreams

Lately I've been having really vivid dreams.  And not the good kind.  The other day I killed someone in my dream.  Don't worry, he wasn't someone I know in real life, and he was the mass murderer/rapist in the story so I guess in my dream I was doing something good.  But still.  I dreamt that I killed someone.  With my bare hands.  It was pretty creepy, gross, and disturbing.

Usually my dreams aren't about people I know in real life, but sometimes they are.  I feel like they come in waves and are usually not good- I've had pretty realistic ones like 4 days in a row.  And my surroundings are usually one of the biggest components.  My brain creates these crazy spaces that I've never been in before, and are usually a little Escher-like.

Do you remember your dreams?  What's the weirdest one you've ever had?  Once I had a dream that my mom was going to die, which was disturbing in and of itself.  The reason?  She was pig for Halloween when she was young.  It was like a terminal illness, like if she had grown up in a nuclear wasteland or something, but caused by a Halloween costume.  Yeah, I don't get it either.  But it's always stuck with me.

it's possible

If you've been around here for a little while you know that I started my web design business in November (and if you didn't, now you do!)  I had a few clients before 2011 was over- really the perfect amount for me to get started.  I was excited; I had hope.

Then January started.  And there was nothing.  I worked my butt off in hopes that it would result in some work.  I definitely got cranky and discouraged some days.

Source: lanaloustyle.blogspot.com via Kate on Pinterest. Artist: Letitia Buchan

Then last week, some things started coming together.  It was weird because I could almost feel that it was going to before it happened.  Like this is the week.  And it did.

I don't mean to run around blog land with my arms open shouting "I'VE MADE IT BIG, GUYS!"  Because I totally haven't.  That would be absurd.  I just have more design work than I ever have before.  I even had to tell school that no, I wasn't available to come in more than two days this week, because "I have some design work to do."  That felt good to say.

I am thrilled, grateful, excited, and... scared.  I love what I'm doing, but sometimes just the thought of knowing that you have to produce something that someone else will like in a timely fashion is stressful.  Naturally, I try not to think too much.

It felt good to write this post, friends.  I like sharing with you, and I'm not talking about food posts.  We'll have to do this more often.  Hopefully I haven't turned anyone off if you're out there and were maybe sorta thinking about hiring me.  Because I would love to work with you.  And I'm not too busy for you, I promise.

While I have your ear, hope over to Sketch and Wash today to check out my Art to Inspiration post!  You know you want to join in next month!

Also, Amy over at The Charming nominated me for the Liebster Award.  Isn't she sweet?!  Go love on her.

big thoughts about little stuff

I've come to the conclusion that I really hate stuff.  Brian and I have been working on that whole "clean apartment and SIMPLIFY" resolution for the last 48 hours or so.  We took everything out of our closets and produced two boxes for Goodwill and lots of stuff for the dumpster.  And we're still not done.

Source: piccsy.com via Kate on Pinterest

It's enough to make me want to convert to some minimalist religion (which one is that again?) and forgo all things.  And this year in particular we've acquired lots and lots of things.  Which we are beyond grateful for.  Truly.

But, it does make you think about gifts.  And why we give them.  And should we give them?

Not to give you the impression that we were entirely blameless in acquiring all this stuff.  Heck no.  Brian and I have purchased our fair share.  Which brings about a different set of questions about our culture and how we live.

Thanks for reading this edition of "big questions with no answers."  Better luck with closure and conclusions next time.

But seriously, do you have any solutions for organizing and purging your stuff?

Ten Years

On September 11th, 2001 my 2nd period teacher was called out of the classroom for just a few seconds.  I didn't think much of it, and she pretty much managed to cover and keep going as if nothing had happened.  The bell rang and we all tromped off to 3rd period.  I walked across the hall to my 7th grade US history class.  Things started as usual, until over the announcements came a long list of students names for dismissal.  I believe it happened at least one or two more times until our class became restless with not knowing why so many people were being called for dismissal.

My teacher somewhat emotionally indicated that some sort of tragedy had taken place, and that in these times families would need to be together.  As you can imagine, this wasn't the most calming thing he could have said.  I guess in his defense, we were 25 miles from Washington, DC, and for all he knew all of our parents our parents worked at the Pentagon.  For all he knew, each of us might have known someone who was lost that day.

My name was one of the many in the next list they called over the loud speaker.  After my teacher's emotional words it rang like a death sentence.  One of my friends gasped, and everyone watched as I stood up and took my books and left to go to my locker.

I remember being so nervous that it took me a couple tries to get my locker open and I had to mentally calm down to remember what books I would need at home.  I tried as fast as I could to get my stuff and leave, because it was the not knowing that was unbearable.  The walk down the long hallway of my middle school seemed like forever.  Finally, I got to the office where my mom was waiting for me.  I wanted to know what was wrong, and if everyone was okay.  She was outwardly calm but I could tell she was unnerved.  She said everyone was fine but she just thought it would be better for me to come home.

We spent the rest of the day mesmerized by the news coverage.  I watched the second of the towers fall from our family room couch.  It was all we could talk about.  I remember standing on the sidewalk in front of our house, talking to neighbors.  The sky was so blue and so quiet.  We lived five miles from Dulles Airport, and the absence of planes in the sky was eerie and ominous.

---

In the event of the ten year anniversary, I have found myself sucked in by the coverage.  I've read many articles I've come across, I even bought the People magazine with the children of men who were lost on the cover.  I've cried on more than one occasion reading these articles.  In a way, I think it has been good for me.  It has been good to remember, to imagine what those people are going through.  Despite the fact that 9/11 is a day that has come to define our time, it is easy to lose track of the individuals.  Today is about remembering them.  We will never forget.

the name game

Yesterday I went to the DMV and changed my name and address on my driver's license, making it official: I have four initials.

This wasn't what I ever thought I would pick. I'm still not especially excited about it. I used to think it was stupid when people did this. Why would you ever want four names? I would think.

Well, here's how I got there.

I never entertained the idea of not taking Brian's last name. I always thought that hopefully someday we would have kids, and I wanted our whole family to have the same name. I like Brian's last name, it sounds fine with my first name, we were good to go. It wasn't a question.

It became clear that, at least in my circles, it was more my middle name that was up for discussion.

My mom wanted me to keep my last name and drop my middle name (hi Mom!) This idea was initially abhorrent to me. If I dropped my middle name, it would be like it never existed. My middle name is a part of who I am. I love my middle name.

However, the fact that my new last name and my middle name start with the same initial started to bug me. Two one syllable names with harsh sounds at the end... I wasn't into it. Plus, I'm a monogram girl. Practically everything I own has my monogram on it. Wouldn't it be cooler for my initials to be KFB than KBB, since they were originally KBF?

I probably would have done this, except that Brian lobbied in the other direction. He is fond of calling me by my first and middle name, and to him, it seemed dumb to abandon my perfectly lovely name just so that I could keep my last name. This appealed to my initial feelings on the topic.

The thing is, I'm not one to do things because other people want me to, and the fact that they both seemed to care so much probably hurt their cases more than helped them. However, I think it was Brian who suggested that I just keep everything. Initially I didn't like that idea either. Three out of my four names have one syllable (and when you shorten my first name, all of them do) and the cadence is kind of choppy to me. But I like all of them individually, and the more I thought about it, the more keeping everything made sense to me.

So while it might not have been my first choice, nothing really was given the options. I was lucky enough names that I liked, and had they been a different combination, maybe something would have emerged as a clear choice. I've never signed my middle initial as part of my signature, and I'm planning on using the F as the middle initial when I have things monogrammed. I'm warming to my new name.

What did you do when it came time to change your name? Or what do you think you will do?

P.S. Sorry for writing this whole post in hypotheticals. I prefer not to have my entire name listed on here, so thanks for your patience.

heavy hearted

Do you ever find yourself encountering the same thing multiple times in a short period of time? Sometimes it's as simple as a word you've never heard, or sometimes it's more complicated, like a common theme.

Well, the last three or four days I have encountered at least three profound stories of loss. The first one I found via Love & Olive Oil, and it was the story of Jennie who suddenly lost her husband.

Then on Mackin Ink (one of my faves) Karey wrote about a similar thing, but this time it was about someone who had lost a child.

And then on Sunday I heard about a friend of a friend who was killed in Afghanistan. He was my age and went to a neighboring high school. My MOH wrote about him on her blog, as well as the other losses she had experienced in her life.

{Pinterest}

Stories like these always have a big effect on me. It takes me a while to shake the feeling of sadness. And in these cases, I have not been close to the person who was lost. I have so much respect for people who lose people that are close to them. I imagine that it would be such a struggle to keep going.

But I think my MOH's post was spot on: the only way to get over this kind of sadness is to look at the what you can learn from those that have been lost. And in my case, what you can learn from those who are handling loss at such close range.

Thanks for listening, friends. I always feel better after putting things out there to you.

Dismantled

The other day I pulled out a box and packed up my Dear America books, which have taken up a prominent place on the hutch for as long as I can remember. They were one of the first series that I loved to read, and I loved how they looked. I arranged them by color on my shelf. As time went by, I narrowed down my collection, donating or giving away the ones that I didn't particularly care for. So the ones that are left are special.

As I boxed them up, I realized that I didn't have any photos of my bookshelf, and it made me kind of sad. It would have been neat to document the things that were pretty constant for most of my life, my beloved books that I always had arranged just so.

{Pinterest}

Since I don't have a picture, let me tell you that my room is so sunny. It's painted the best kind of light blue, and most of the furniture is white. It's filled with pretty photos and all my favorite books. I've enjoyed many naps in there on a summer afternoon, and the sunlight only makes it better.

Last week my brother packed up the queen-size bed that has been in my room for the past two years. My dresser was moved down to the new apartment weeks ago. After the wedding, my desk will join my bed in Richmond and my youngest brother will move into my room. All my things will be gone. The space will be there, but my room won't be any more. It's kind of scary.

{Pinterest}

It's hard to let go of what your sure of, but we do it for a reason. It's in hope of something better, and of change that forces you to grow by virtue of leaving your comfort zone. I like to think that I'm not really leaving my comfort zone, but rather broadening it to somewhere new.

Choosing Happy

Folks, in exactly one week I will be done with college classes.

I don't know how to describe what happens when I think about it. I think I simultaneously try to think about the big picture, four years of things that have happened and the individual details, events, places, and people that have made up those four years. It's like scalar overload. Too much to handle.

Inevitably I feel sad when I think about college being over. I know I have a lot to look forward to, but it's hard not to feel sad when you are constantly faced with the things and people that you will be missing a lot in a few months.

I've been compiling photos so that I can make a scrapbook of college, even though initially I didn't think I would. But looking through all the photos of the last four years made me realize that it's been a hell of a ride. Somehow along the way college turned out to be better than I could have imagined it to be.

{via pinterest}

Today, I've decided that I'm going to be happy these last couple of weeks. It's okay to feel fleeting moments of sadness, but I want to be fully present. Soak it all in.

Last night I sat outside with my friends at 2:00 in the morning with my friends and a glass of red wine, talking about life and looking at the stars. Today I sat on the lawn with my friends chatting about school and soaking up the sunshine. Tonight I went to happy hour with friends before class and ran to class in the rain. I looked like I had climbed out of a pool when I got there, but I was smiling.

I think I'm off to a good start.

sentimental

We are having a freakishly warm day here today. I'm talking mid 80s. On one hand it make me really happy.

On the other hand, it's almost the end.

One of my roommates' moms asked me what day we move out of our apartment. So last night I cozied up with our lease to find out.

We have to be out by 9:00 AM on May 30th. And if packing up your earthly possessions isn't daunting enough, there's a laundry list of things we have to do before we can leave.

In two months, this 10 x 10 cube that I have occupied for almost 2 years will be empty. White.

Holes will be patched, baseboards will be washed. My stuff will be split between my past home and my future home.

I was much less attached to the dorm rooms I lived in the first half of college. The lighting was industrial. The walls were cinder block. The furniture was borrowed.

I lived there for 9 months, packed up, and left. I missed the people, but I never missed the space.

This room is different. I decorated this room with my own things. Like the twin bed I moved to from my crib. And the PB Kids desk that I searched for to complete my childhood room.

I changed the sheets on my bed last night. I realized that I will only use them for a short period of time. They're just sheets, but the realization felt significant. It felt like the end of something.

As you can see, I'm feeling sentimental today. But I'm trying to be sentimental in the best way possible.

{via Pinterest, as usual}

There is a bright side here. A silver lining. As these four years here come to a close, I get to have one last summer at home, and then I get a new roommate and a larger cube to decorate. And a lifetime of adventures ahead of us.

Career Advice Courtesy of Lloyd Dobler

A few weeks ago I applied for a job. It was a job I had already applied for once and I wasn't really expecting to get it. The application asked to "show your personality" and was generally pretty informal, so I went for it.

I drew inspiration from the great Lloyd Dobler, and told them so in my application. I explained that while I wasn't sure what I wanted to do with my life yet, there were some characteristics that I knew I wanted in a job, and that I believed that this job had those characteristics.

I didn't hear back from about the job, but the exercise in itself was important.

Lloyd doesn't know what he wants to do but he does know what he doesn't want to do. I have ideas about what I want to do, and hopefully my criteria allows for more options than Lloyd's.

I want to design and create.

I want to immerse myself with creative people, beautiful things, and joyous occasions.

I want to inspire and be inspired.

It's so hard to pick one thing you want to be when you grow up. I've been struggling with this a lot lately, and it's taken me weeks and weeks to write this post. I know all that it's "all about the journey blah blah blah..." but it still feels like there should be something more definitive.

If you're feeling the same career blues as I am, you should totally watch Say Anything. The movie is almost as old as I am but it still speaks to these issues.